British Prisoners on Sex, Comfort, and Conjugal Visits

Stuart Horner, who’s serving a life sentence for murder at Strangeways prison in England, appeared in court last week, charged with criminal damage and affray after staging a 60-hour rooftop protest at the jail in September 2015. Addressing the court to explain the reasons behind his protest, he made the claim that there would be less violence in prisons if prisoners were allowed to have sex with their partners via conjugal visits, a practice that is permitted in countries such as Denmark and Canada, but is not currently allowed in the UK.

I teach in a prison and recently asked the prisoners in my class to talk to me about their thoughts and—as it turns out—experience of sex in prison.

Spot On

Gary, 38, has spent well over half of the last decade in prison, serving a variety of relatively small sentences, ranging from theft to common assault. He is married to his childhood sweetheart, and they have four children together—each one having been born during a period when he was serving a sentence. I ask him whether he thinks conjugal rights are a good idea.

“Yes, mate, of course,” he says. “Who in their right mind wouldn’t think it was a good idea? That fella was fucking spot on. Let prisoners have a bit of time with their women, and you’d halve the amount of aggro in here straight away.”

I can see how Gary may have a point, but I ask him whether, based on his experience, he thinks that a monthly visit from a partner is actually going to stop prisoners kicking off when a prison officer has just taken the TV out of their cell? “Probably not,” he laughs. “To be honest, I’ve got enough kids to last me a lifetime. At least being in here means I can’t get landed with any more!”

Basic Needs

Raymond, 39, is serving the final months of an eight-year sentence for his role in an armed robbery. He agrees that conjugal visits are a good idea but is worried about the cost of building facilities to accommodate this and also the extra prison staff that would be required. “Look,” Raymond says, “I’m not saying I wouldn’t take them up on it if it was an option—far from it—but all that money it’d cost I’d rather they spent it on better beds, proper mattresses, shitters that don’t block, chicken baguettes with actual pieces of fucking chicken in them. Imagine that: a baguette that has chicken to go with the single lettuce leaf and half a tomato slice inside it.”

So food and comfort are a higher priority than sex? “Yeah, absolutely. Most men can go without sex—you get used to it. But fucking basic decent living conditions are a lot harder to live without. To be honest, I don’t think sex would get in a top 20 list of things prisoners would like to see improved in jails. You just accept it’s something you’ll be doing without until you’re back on the out again. This isn’t an 18-to-30 lads holiday to Magaluf.”

Risky Business

Zack, 29, has been in custody for the majority of his adult life. Currently on remand, a string of drug offenses have led him to now be looking at a sentence of around ten to 12 years if convicted of his most recent charge. He is as indifferent to the possibility of conjugal visits as Raymond and Gary appear to be, but he makes the claim that plenty of sex is going on inside prisons anyway. I ask him to explain.

“The amount of nurses who’ve been boffing prisoners here, there, and everywhere is fucking jokes, bro. They like the bad boys, innit. As long as you’re not a dirty smackhead, you’ve got just as much chance with a nurse in here as you would down the pub. Fair play—this lad I was twoed up with [cellmate] a few years back ended up moving in with the nurse he was seeing. Photos of them on Facebook on holiday, all that shit. Standard.”

I’ve heard talk of this before but have always been suspicious. It’s always sounded a little too much like wishful thinking on the part of the prisoners, yet everyone in the room backs up what Zack is saying. I ask Zack whether he has ever witnessed anything going on between officers and prisoners.

“Bro. Different thing, different thing. Nurse gets caught with a prisoner, and she gets sacked: Do one, don’t come back. Officer gets caught with man’s dick in her hand, and she’s looking at time herself.” So you’ve never heard of it happening? “Nah, it does happen. Just nowhere near as often, and it’s kept proper on the down low.”

I suggest there is also the potential for a prisoner-prison staff hookup to go wrong. Zack laughs and starts talking to the rest of the class about a prisoner named Jackson. A few of the other men seem aware of who Jackson is, and when I can get a word in edgeways I ask Zack to explain.

“Right, there was one lad on my last sentence, Jackson, proper cocky bastard. He’d had a thing with a screw, pure took advantage of all the perks that came with it. Gets out and mugs her off straight away. Comes back inside and gets put straight back on her wing. His cell gets spun [searched for drugs or other illicit materials] every other week, his canteen order never arrives, no mail, all the shit under the sun. Forget it, bro. Forget. It.”

Zack’s cautionary tale of prison romance aside, the general feeling in the room throughout the discussion is one of ambivalence. Every single person is able to list a series of changes they feel could be made in order to improve the prisoner experience, and sex doesn’t feature in any. There’s even a suggestion that they’d rather not bring sex into the equation at all.

Having not said much during the discussion, Steve, a 32-year-old builder serving time for assault, bluntly sums up the prevailing mood. “Like, I’m happy having a quick wank every night after Family Guy. Sex and women is another drama I don’t need in here. I just want to ride my sentence as easy as I can.”

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A Corrections Officer on What Really Happens During Conjugal Visits

There are only four states in the US still allowing conjugal visits in their prisons: California, Connecticut, New York, and Washington. New Mexico is the latest to cancel the practice; the decision to do so spawning from a news report that a convicted killer had fathered four children with multiple women while behind bars. Mississippi, the first state to offer conjugal visits, ditched the practice in 2014.

Public perception couldn’t have helped the conjugal case, either: I mean, aren’t these visits there just so prisoners can get laid?

Welllllll, not exactly. The dying practice was actually set up for a very different purpose.

Conjugal visits are there to help preserve families

By design, a conjugal visit is supposed to preserve a family unit, said Ryan (name changed), a 29-year-old corrections officer who used to be stationed at Green Haven Correctional Facility in Stormville, NY. There, he routinely moved inmates out from their cells and into their conjugal visitation trailers. Conjugal visits in New York are actually referred to as the FRP — “Family Reunion Program” — or, as Ryan’s fellow corrections officers liked to joke, “the ‘Felon Reproduction Program.'” Conjugal visits are also called extended family visits — making the whole sex thing kind of off-base.

Through the FRP, inmates can be visited by a legal spouse, child or children, or other immediate family member or partner. “Technically, I’m not sure if you can have a girlfriend [visit],” Ryan said, “but people did. They’d lie and say it was their sister, their cousin…”

During a conjugal visit, people are permitted to engage in sexual activity — but mostly, it’s actually meant for family time: chatting in a non-prison setting, offering some semblance of a normal life in order to keep the integrity of a family unit together. These visits are intended to incentivize prisoners to comply with prison rules, be on best behavior, and have a higher chance of success upon re-entry to civilization.

In short, it’s not just a shaggin’ wagon. “A lot of moms would come,” Ryan said, “a lot of parents, a lot of kids.” In Connecticut, there actually has to be more than one visitor — a spouse or partner is required to visit with the inmate’s kid in tow. In Washington, if two inmates are related they can schedule a mutual visit with civilian family members. And actually, only 48% of conjugal visits in New York in 2014 were with spouses.

There’s a long waiting list

“It’s not like they can just do it,” Ryan said of prisoners seeking to host conjugal visits. “There’s a waiting list, and they know well in advance [when they’re scheduled]. You can’t have any disciplinary history at all.”

All states offering overnight visits require prisoners who get on the list to have impeccable prison behavior — and to have already been incarcerated for at least 90 days. Inmates who are lifers or sex offenders aren’t (usually) allowed conjugals.

The living spaces are totally hooked up

Conjugal visits are held in rooms, trailers, and cabins — many of which are stocked with things like condoms, linens, and soap, and have up to two bedrooms so kids can visit as well. Living areas are further furnished with board games, cards, or dominoes.

“At Green Haven there were three trailers next to the main facilities inside the wall,” Ryan said. “Each trailer was cut in half so they would have six visits at a time. You’d get put in on a Monday morning, stay the whole night, and come out a Tuesday afternoon.”

The trailers at Greenhaven were like mini apartments for inmates and their loved ones. “There are kitchens in there, just like a regular trailer,” Ryan said. “People can bring in food, there’s a TV, PlayStation, a little playground area for the kids.”

It’s kind of like playing house for a couple of days — Ryan remembers visits being two days, but at prisons elsewhere, conjugal visits can be from 24 hours to three days. They can also occur regularly; as often as once every month.

The trailers simulate a normal home life, albeit with G-rated DVDs and a prison just outside your front door.

Inmates get “stripped in and out”

That’s strip-searched — and often piss-tested for drugs and alcohol (a positive test in New York means an inmate will be banned from RFP for a full year). Visitors, on the other hand, only have to pass through a basic metal detector. “You can’t strip civilians,” Ryan said, but added that you’d find out quickly if drugs were being smuggled in when you strip-searched and drug-tested the inmate on his or her way out of the trailer.

Conjugal visits get interrupted periodically

“Basically, when we do our counts we’d call them and they’d come out of the room,” Ryan said. “There’s a tower right above them and the tower officer would verify [they were accounted for]. We’d also have to bring medicine to them,” he said, explaining this was to ensure proper medications were being taken at the correct times.

And, yeah, people also have sex

“There was one time that an officer was doing rounds,” Ryan said, “and heard people screaming and called an emergency response to go check it out. It ended up being two people fucking.”

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Dating a Man Who Just Got Out of Prison

If you want to date an ex-convict, you have to know what you’re getting yourself into. Things aren’t as bad as they sound, but you’ll need a lot of patience in this kind of romantic relationship. Your new partner will need a lot of support in his transition from his inmate life, so let’s see what you can do for him.

Patience Is Important

Being in prison can really change the way you operate altogether. Different laws and societies exist there, so you need to learn how to adapt to them, first and foremost. Whether he’s been in prison many times or just a long time, this is guaranteed to leave a mark on him and his mental health.


That means he’ll probably struggle with things we consider to be the most basic, such as forming connections, being able to express himself the right way, meeting your needs, getting to know your family members and friends, etc. All of this together can make you really frustrated because it will feel like you’re trying to teach a child all of these things. It kind of is like that because your partner will lack the emotional maturity you’ll expect of him.


Because of those issues, patience is of utmost importance. Patience is essential for any healthy relationship, no matter where your partner has been. In your case, however, you might want to invest more into being patient and understanding.

Provide Security and Comfort

The normal life-prison-normal life transition is hard on everyone. Once you’re incarcerated, you have a certain routine to follow. That means you’re not making any decisions for yourself. In general, prisons limit the inmates severely. Once they’re out, acclimating back to normal life will be a struggle. Luckily for your guy, you’ll be there to help him get back on his feet.


This doesn’t mean you should immediately show him how things should be. He knows what he was missing out on. Instead, keep up with his routine, but give him some freedom as well. Dumping responsibilities and decisions on him immediately can overwhelm him. That’s not the direction you want to go. 


Having the same routine will make him feel safe and comfortable. He will not be seeing the same people he’s used to see day to day, but he will have you to help him through his transition. Through this time, don’t forget to stay patient because things won’t always be easy.

Consider Mental Health

When you’re dating an ex-convict, mental health is always something you should keep in mind. It’s only natural that staying in prison will change a lot in your head. There’s a lot of stress and anxiety, countless sleepless nights spent not knowing what tomorrow might bring, etc. That surely leaves people with depression, PTSD, anxiety disorders, and more. In fact, according to the Bureau of Justice Statistics, around 56% of prisoners end up with undiagnosed mental health issues. We don’t really know how and if they receive any treatment while they’re in prison either. 


So, the best you can do is keep that in mind. Your partner might often be depressed, not want to socialize or go out, act odd, etc. Don’t take any of those things personally. Instead, you should try getting him the help that he needs and deserves. 


Of course, you can’t force anybody into treatment, but we’re sure he’ll realize that getting better will benefit him long term. Not only will he be able to stay in a healthy relationship, but he’ll be able to go through life so much easier too.

Don’t Take Manipulation Personally

Speaking of things you shouldn’t take personally, manipulation is one of them. If you think your partner isn’t manipulating you, he might just be too good at it. That’s totally okay, and you shouldn’t wonder if he has bad intentions. We assure you that he doesn’t — he just doesn’t know any better. 


This manipulation will manifest itself through the simplest of things. Maybe he’ll try to manipulate you for a bigger portion of food, watching what he wants, going to shower before you, etc. Through these examples, you can see that he doesn’t have bad intentions. Manipulation has been a part of his inmate life, so now he needs to unlearn it.


Of course, this isn’t as easy as we all might think. Thankfully, you can help him with that as well. The best you can do is not take offense and guide him through what’s right or wrong. Making him feel safe and comfortable will help, too, because it will make him realize that there’s nothing he should be manipulating you for. Through good communication, he can get whatever he wants.


One of the best pieces of relationship tips advice we can give you is to be patient with your partner. It will be hard to keep up with all of his needs at times, but it’s all going to be worth it in the end. Of course, you should never sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of someone else. Take things one step at a time.

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Sex – some vital secrets and important in life!

If you want to satisfy your body, then sex is quite important for you. Instead of doing sex, most of the people are watching the porn on a regular basis. Is it negative or positive trend? You should opt for the sex because it is providing a lot of benefits to the body. Like, if you are doing the sex on twice or thrice in the month, then one can prevent a lot of complicated diseases such as Diabetes and other ones as well. However, most of the people are doing Sex in prison realities info site – SFW.

It is one of the best options that will give the relaxation to the muscles and body. However, if you want to satisfy yourself, then it can be a reliable option for you. According to professionals, sex is really healthy for the heart.

According to one study, if you are doing sex twice in the week, then you will able to reduce the chances of heart stroke. Following are some important secrets about sex in the life.

  • Sweet and work as a pain reliever

If you are doing the sex, then you can give enough relaxation to the body. It is one of the best options that will assist you in relieving the pain. Therefore, sex is really beneficial for you in terms of time and health as well.

  • Sex is a top-notch exercise

Sex has become an exercise that is really important for your body. According to professionals, if you are doing sex till 25 minutes, then you will able to burn upto 3 to 4 calories. It is a top-notch exercise that will improve the body.

  • Less blood pressure

With the help of sex, you will able to improve the mood. According to professionals, sex will able to prevent the blood pressure problems. Therefore, it is really good for health and one can grab more enjoyment with the partner.

  • Reduce the prostate cancer risk

Prostate cancer is on hype. Millions of people are suffering from the prostate cancer in America. Therefore, after doing sex, you will able to prevent the prostate cancer risk. Make sure that you are using a condom while doing sex because it will prevent another sexual disease.

  • Better sleep

According to the doctors, if you are regular sex user, then you will able to increase the sexual desire and will able to get perfect sleep. Overall, sex is beneficial for you in terms of health, sleep and other things as well. Don’t stick with one sex position; if you want to give pleasure to your partner, then you must use different positions.

  • Best mood and strong bonding

No doubt, sex is improving the mood and increasing the bonding in couples. The researcher found that partners satisfy for almost 48 hours, after doing the sex. Most of the pornstars are doing Sex in prison realities info site – SFW.

Ultimately, health is quite important for us. Therefore, if you want to maintain health, then you must do sex on twice or thrice in the week.

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